Lucky Moments
by JadaKiz
Summary: One year after Jude’s disastrous 18th birthday, Jude decides to write Tommy in one of his old journals to finally let him go and say goodbye. But something unexpected happens and she finds herself communicating with the Tommy in the past the Tommy that ha
1. Chapter 1

Summary: One year after Jude's disastrous 18th birthday, Jude decides to write Tommy in one of his old journals to finally let him go and say goodbye. But something unexpected happens and she finds herself communicating with the Tommy in the past; the Tommy that hasn't left her yet.

Disclaimer: I don't own, or am not associated with Instant Star, its characters, etc.

b One /b 

i Jan 7, 2008

Dear Tommy,

I never thought I'd have to do something like this. Especially with you. But now I know that life changes sometimes, and sometimes there's nothing you can do about it.

I want to tell you the things that I never had the chance to say. Everything I felt. Everything I thought. Everything. But it's so hard, even now; even now that you're not a part of my life anymore and even though I know you'll never get the chance to read this.

My therapist says that this is a good way to tell you how I feel or, how I felt and that this is the best way to finally let you go. I know what you're thinking. A therapist, right? I'm not crazy. Just…famous. I guess those two can coincide from time to time. He said that it wasn't right to keep such a burden on my shoulders. That I shouldn't blame myself. But I do. But I blame you too.

There were a lot of things I should've said that night. One of them was that I was afraid. And I guess I was afraid for all of the right reasons. I knew you'd hurt me. I knew. And still I let myself get caught in your web. A web of deceit and hurt. You said you'd stop hurting me Tommy. You promised. And I believed that. I believed in you, like you believed in me. Now I know it was naive to think that way. But now matter what, I still believe in you. Maybe I like how naïve I am. Maybe I just never wanted to let that 15 year old girl in me, go. I believed that you never meant to hurt me. And now I know that it doesn't come that easily. Love, that is.

Since you walked into my life, it has been full of anger, pain, and heartache. I'm not saying that it was all because of you. But it was because of you that I became who I am. It was you who showed me how to be passionate; not only in my music, but in my life. And I guess, all I can do is thank you for that.

I'll always remember you, and all the great things you've taught me. And even though we're not together anymore, I have to tell you. I love you. I'm in love with you. That hasn't changed. But it has to. And so I write this letter in your journal, something that you've left me along the way, to let you go Tommy. I'm sorry I never told you when you needed to hear it. But here it is. Now it's time to let you go.

Goodbye,

Jude /i 

Jude closed her eyes and took a deep bracing breath, letting her senses fill her. The cold morning breeze blew through the window causing the transparent silk drapes to flow like waves towards her and as it blew, with the mixture of sounds of the bustling tree branches, somehow she could almost feel his presence with her. Closing Tommy's journal, a single tear rolled down her cheek. A tear that said goodbye, and she smiled when she closed the black leather bound book in her hands. Because it was then that she knew that she had just taken a step to saying goodbye to the man that she's loved for years.

Just then, Jude felt the weight of her bed shift and she laughed when she realized that it was her dog, Lucky; a golden retriever, young and full of energy. He whined at her and put his chin on her hand, wanting her to pet him.

"Oh, Lucky. You're such a pet hog," Jude said, putting both hands beneath his chin and scratching her fingers through his long, silky fur. Lucky barked twice, telling her that he was satisfied with her actions and he nuzzled his nose in her hands, licking her palms.

"Alright, alright. That's enough Lucky. Go downstairs, and I'll feed you something nice," she said softly, finally getting out of bed.

The sun shone brightly through the windows of the kitchen, and Jude squinted her eyes as she poured dog food into a bowl. It was the first bright day Jude had seen in a long time and she couldn't help but smile at the alluring blue sky.

"It's such a nice day outside. What do you say we take a walk in the park today?" Jude asked her dog as he ate from his green doggy bowl. He barked in agreement before getting back to his meal and Jude heartedly sat on her stool pouring herself a bowl of cereal.

"I'll take that as a yes," Jude laughed as she took a spoonful of Special K into her mouth. The light of the sun caught her eyes again, and she was braced with the memory the day she was given Lucky. He was so small and helpless and his short deeply golden fur tickled her cheeks as she carried him in her hand.

Jude's phone rang and she walked over to the counter and picked up the receiver. "Hello Sadie," she answered fully knowing it was her sister even before checking the call display. She called every morning since they moved out on their own. Maybe it was because it was a way to pretend that Jude was still nearby. Or maybe she just wanted to check up on her. Either way, she appreciated her regulated calls.

"So, have you decided about tonight?" Sadie asked walking over to the kitchen with the phone cradled between her ear and her shoulder.

"I don't know Sadie. I don't really feel like going out," Jude confessed tiredly. She walked back over to the island and stirred her spoon through the cereal in her bowl.

"Jude, this guy is really nice. I promise. He's smart, funny, totally into music. You should give him a chance" Sadie pleaded with her sister. She smiled at Kwest in the kitchen as he stood before the stove cooking eggs and bacon.

Jude let out an exasperated sigh and inadvertently began to bite her nails in indecision. On the one hand, she did want to take another step towards moving on but on the other she thought it was too soon. She had just that morning taken that first step. But then another thought drowned her mind. With every step taken another must befall from it, otherwise you are just standing still.

Jude shrugged her shoulders, "Okay. I'll meet you at Bellini's at seven," Jude said and hung up quickly before she lost her nerve.


	2. Chapter 2

**Two**

**Present Day - The day after Jude's 18****th**** birthday. **

"Jude! Jude, will you just listen!" Tommy pleaded as he followed her into the small space of Studio A. Jude turned around abruptly, looking at him with anger in her eyes and it struck him like daggers piercing directly at his heart. "I was trying to protect you," he explained, but her expression remained the same.

"I don't need your protection Tommy. I need protection _from_ you," she said bitterly, her voice cracking at her last statement. It was something she never thought she'd say because she used to feel safe with him. Thinking that no matter what happened he'd always be there to love her. To care. But he didn't care. If he did, he never would have hurt her like he had. Even if he was doing what he claimed to be doing.

A pained expression fell on Tommy's face and he swallowed the lump that had formed in his throat. "You won't at least let me explain?" he asked solemnly, hoping she'd afford him at least that before she just pushed him away. He got his answer though, when she brushed passed him to check the levels on the soundboard.

"I've always let you explain Tommy. And I've always forgiven you," she said as she changed the level of dynamics on the console. "I don't want to forgive you anymore," she added coldly, finally looking up at him. She could tell he was hurt but she wouldn't let him convince her to change her mind. It was over, and it was going to stay that way.

Tommy nodded his head and slowly departed from the studio, dragging his heels as he did. He closed the door behind him and sighed, feeling the cringe in his heart consume him. Chewing steadily on the inside of his bottom lip, he made his way into his office and sat on his large black leather chair. He opened his journal and began thinking of words to express what he was feeling at the moment.

"What's this?" he asked to himself when he saw the scratching of Jude's writing on the crisp pages of his red leather journal. He laughed lightly when he saw that Jude had written the date wrong, but grew serious when he read the words she had written. He began to read about how he'd hurt her and how she blamed him for the things that went wrong with them. A smile spread across his face when he read that she was in love with him, but it was soon followed by a frown when he read her last words. She wanted to let him go. She was giving up on him.

Tommy abruptly stood from his chair and made his way back to Jude in the studio. She was singing and looked at him angrily as he interrupted her recording. "Tommy, what the hell are you doing?" she asked taking her headphones off and pushing the microphone away. She glanced at her engineers on the other side of the glass and watched them start to busy themselves with scattered papers across the board. "What is it?" she asked impatiently, when she returned her attention back to Tommy.

"Jude don't do this," he pleaded as he held up the journal in his hands.

Jude looked at him in disbelief and began shuffling sheets of music to conceal her shaking hands. She didn't know whether they were shaking because she was so angry or because she was afraid she'd walk right up to him and wrap her arms around him.

"Tommy, please" Jude begged, her face both poignant and tired. "I can't do this anymore. Please just let it be," she said looking down at the music in her hands. She stared at them so intently, trying not to meet Tommy's gaze that the notes seemed to be jumping out at her. She heard him take a breath to speak, and she hurriedly walked out of the studio with her papers in her hand without so much as a backward glance.

Tommy watched her leave and he plopped down on a nearby chair emotionally and physically tired. He hadn't slept since Jude's birthday; the thoughts of her broken heart as she walked in on him and Sadie, haunted him. He stared at the letter she had written him and he grabbed a pen, hoping that he could write something that would make her understand.

_Dear Jude, _

_I know that you said you had to let me go, but I'm asking you not to. It might be too much to ask right now, but I'm asking. _

_Since you won't let me explain, I'll tell you now, here. I did what I did to protect you. Like I've said time and time again. The consequence of my past finally catching up to me; a humorous gesture to my more sordid life. My past wanted to hurt everything that I loved. You. And the thought of you being hurt and caught up in the middle of this is unbearable to say the least. _

_It wasn't the best way to handle this; I know that now. But what was I to do, when the one thing I love in this world, is threatened to be taken away from me. And now I've lost you completely. But I'm hoping you can still forgive me. Don't give up on me Jude. _

_Tommy_

Tommy closed the journal and dropped it in his lap. He held his head in his hands and rested his elbows on the soundboard. He thought of so many ways to get through to her, and he was hoping that this letter would be that way.

**Future – Jude **

Jude stared at her wine glass, drawing circles across the rim as she listened to Sean tell his story about him and his ex-girlfriend getting into a fight because of his music obsession. Jude rolled her eyes at Sadie, but sat up straight when she felt a sharp kick hit her from beneath the table. She smiled up at this more than boring man and rested her head on her fist to show a glimmer of interest. "So you like music?" she said mentally slapping herself for the dim question.

"Uh, yeah" he said looking at her strangely. He took a sip of his wine and he dug into the soft flesh of his steak with his knife. Jude saw the blood gush out of the rare prepared meat, and had to hold herself from puking on him right then.

Jude glanced over at Sadie once more and she saw her sister give her a frustrated nod towards Sean, telling her to make some sort of conversation. "So, Sadie tells me that you play the drums," Jude stated and he looked over at her as he chewed the gob of the poor animal in his mouth.

"Yeah, I'm in a marching band. I play the snare," he explained and Jude couldn't help but watch in disgust as splashes of saliva exited from his mouth. She tried to hide the horror she felt at the sight before her and she wiped her hands when she felt a splatter hit her skin.

"That's great!" Jude said trying to sound enthusiastic. She once again glanced at Sadie and by that time she saw her sister start to see that this wasn't going to work.

"Well, its getting late Jude. And you have a session in the a.m., so we should probably get going," Sadie said and Jude thanked the heavens for giving her a sister. But then again, she wouldn't be in this situation if it weren't for her.

Jude thanked Sean for the evening and left with Sadie and Kwest in their car.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry Jude," Sadie exclaimed when they finally got into the car. "I really thought you'd hit it off!" she said honestly.

"Well we obviously didn't," Jude replied still wiping herself with a tissue. "I thought it was seriously raining in there," she laughed, causing Sadie to burst out as well.

"Oh god. That was the most disgusting sight I'd ever seen. It was like he was chewing his prey to regurgitate it to his offspring," Sadie added as she thought back to his eating habits.

"Ugh, don't talk about it Sadie. My stomach's still churning," Jude replied holding a hand to her abdomen.

When Jude finally got home, she waved goodbye to Kwest and Sadie and walked into her house. As she made her way into the living room, she found Tommy's journal sitting on her coffee table and wondered what it was doing there. "That's strange. Did I bring that down?" she asked looking at Lucky who had followed her into the living room. He looked up at her innocently and whined as he nudged his nose onto the book. She took the book from the table and opened it up to the page where she had written her letter. "Is this some kind of joke?" she asked as she looked through the pages of the book in search of her letter. But it wasn't there. Instead it was replaced with a letter in Tommy's writing.


End file.
